To The Christian Guys

"Christian men are weak"
"The guys in our bible study are never going to do anything"
"Christian guys don't know how to lead"
"Our generation of guys is turning out to be a complete failure"

I've been a part of numerous conversations where girls have made statements like the above, usually rather emphatically or with great frustration. As much as I try to avoid making statements like these, I myself have uttered words laced with disappointment regarding how guys my age have failed at what I would consider to be biblical masculinity. I think it's fairly easy to say that the girls of my generation are frustrated with the guys. While most of us girls can say that we know a few solid Christian guys, we also look at guys as a whole and think that things look bleak. We see passive men, men who are avoiding responsibility, men who seem oblivious to their God given roles. We see men who seem content to never fully grow up.

There are plenty of articles that discuss the topic of Christian men and the current issues. I'm not even going to try to delve into any of that here. What's on my mind is not about whether what we see in guys is valid or not, or even what it is that we see in guys, rather it's the responses to the situation that are sticking out to me right now. A lot of what we see in guys may be valid, but our responses are often not. The harshness of our responses do not line up with biblical womanhood.

Assuming that I'm going to get married one day, that means that my future husband is out there fighting the battle of being a man in today's world. I'm not gonna lie, I'm hoping that my future husband is one of the guys who was lucky enough to have a good grasp of biblical masculinity from a younger age. But maybe, at this present moment, my future husband is struggling with what it means to be a Christian man. And maybe he's getting beaten down during the process. Maybe, just maybe, if the Church, particularly us girls, did what we could to make the process easier for him, he'd get there a bit faster. Wouldn't I rather that the girls in his life do everything they can to help enable him to be the man that God created him to be? Shouldn't I be doing the same for the men in my life? Not only for their sake, but also for the sake of my sisters in Christ?

Obviously I've never been a guy, but I'm guessing that it's hard to be one. The odds are stacked against you. Not only do you have a flesh and blood battle going on, you've got an enemy who knows that the key to so many things that he wants lies with keeping you men beaten down.

Guys, I'm sorry for the things that girls say. I'm sorry for our attitudes. I'm sorry for taking over in situations where we needed to step back and let you men lead, even if it meant letting go of the outcome of such situations. I'm sorry that we, as girls, don't always take the time to understand what biblical masculinity should look like so that we can support you in pursuing it. I'm sorry that we call you out on your failures while completely ignoring our own.
I'm sorry if the Church is failing you. I'm sorry that the previous generation oftentimes fails to understand the culture that has been created around you by feminism, technology, and the hook-up culture.
I'm sorry for trivializing the hard things that you guys face. I'm sorry for any negative statements I've made about Christian guys.

I'm not even entirely sure how I can go about helping out the guys in my life, but I do know that I want to help them and not hinder them. I think the future success of almost everything depends on guys filling their God given roles. And at the end of the day, no matter what us girls do, the responsibility of being Christian men falls squarely on the guys' shoulders. God isn't going to hold us girls accountable for whether or not guys rise to the occasion. We've got enough of our own failures as women to account for as it is. But I'm hoping that I can do better at figuring out how to help the guys out as we navigate through an undoubtedly difficult stage of life.

And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works - Heb 10:24

Mandy & Renee's Relationship Guidelines

This past weekend my wonderful friend Renee came to Phoenix for a visit. When you get two twenty something girls together for a weekend of hanging out you always know that fun times will ensue.

During multiple late (very late) night chats we realized that we both have a lot of the same thoughts and feelings about relationships, our experiences with them, and what we think is flawed about the system. So what do two girls who have similar viewpoints about relationships do when they stay up way too late talking? They make a list of 20 relationship guidelines, of course!

We polished up the list the next day during lunch, so without further ado, I give you….

Mandy & Renee’s Relationship Guidelines

1. Don’t like someone forever before making a move.
• If you’re having trouble making a move, do what the Indians used to do and play a flute outside of a girl’s teepee to express your interest. We learned about this at the MIM this weekend, and it’s apparently a very successful method.
2. You don’t need to be financially set for life before pursuing a relationship. You don’t need a house, a large savings account, or even a generous cash flow. You DO need to be able to afford to support yourself, but quit sweating it beyond that.
3. Guys, if you make less money than a girl, that’s not a deal breaker for her. What really matters is whether or not you make enough to support yourself, not whether or not you as an individual can do it better than she can do as an individual. A wife just needs to be taken care of, not trumped.
4. Don’t get caught up with levels and which level you think you’re on vs which level they’re on. This can go both ways. It can be a problem both with thinking you're above someone else and also a problem with being intimidated by people that you feel are above your level. Most levels only exist in your head.
5. Guys, if you’re not asking a girl out because you know your friend likes her and you’re trying to be a good friend, after six months if he still hasn’t asked her out, she’s fair game. This situation isn’t good for your friend and is even worse for the girl because she’s not getting asked out by either of you.
• If your friend isn’t following rule #1, you should give him this list.
6. You shouldn't lead someone on if you’re not planning to act. Flirting is a hard thing to define, so people’s interpretations of this point will vary greatly. You can only claim ignorance of your flirting abilities for so long before it’s no longer accidental flirting. And if you’re intentionally flirting, be ready to follow through!
7. A guy asking a girl on a date does not mean he’s asking her to marry him. Without a doubt, relationships should have a focus and a purpose. But how are people ever going to end up in relationships if asking a girl on a date always seems to equate to something more than that? Let the simple act of asking a girl out on a date be just that, a simple act. And girls, don't start planning the wedding on the first date.
8. Girls, unless there’s a serious reason not to, always be willing to go on a 1st date. If you’re sure you aren’t interested in him after that point, be completely honest with him. See rule #6. Being nice to the guy because you don’t want to hurt him will hurt him more in the long run.
9. Girls, guys don’t care about your nail polish, how you did your hair, or what color shirt you’re wearing.
• We have been told that guys are suckers for a girl with the nice dash of perfume however.
10. Some amount of awkwardness is OK. First dates are awkward. They just are! But a little bit of awkwardness is OK, plus it’s kind of cute. Even if you’re already friends, transitioning to a dating relationship can be a strange, so don’t let some initial awkward moments bring you down!
11. After the 1st date, the guy should pick up the girl for the dates. Chivalry should not be dead!
12. Always pray before meals. Chicks dig it!
13. You should be able to date someone for a while, break up, and have things stay normal. We’re talking a short term dating relationship here, not a long term one. If you’re doing this dating business right, you should be able to go on a few dates, realize that it’s not going to work out, stop dating, and life should go on. No drama, no stress.
14. If you don’t already know the other person’s stance on big issues, ask the tough questions within the first couple of months. While dating can be about having fun together, what’s the point of getting completely attached emotionally just to find out six months in that you completely ignored some deal breakers? 
• The other person not being a solid Christian IS always a deal breaker.
• When red flags come up, make sure to address them immediately instead of holding onto a relationship because you’re afraid to be alone.
15. You should be friends with each other’s friends. Your relationship should include hanging out with your main communities, not just with each other. And if your friends aren’t supportive of your relationship, something is wrong.
• For our younger readers…if you’re still claimed as a dependent on your parents’ tax forms, they need be aware of your relationship from day one.
16. Texting should only be used for cutesy, flirtsy, non-serious conversations. All real conversations should happen over the phone or in person.
17. Use those words of affirmation. Chances are if you’re dating someone you have positive thoughts about them. Make sure to verbalize them! Lots of worrying could be prevented if people just verbalized their positive thoughts more often.
18. Your Facebook relationship status should not define your relationship. If you’re more excited to set your Facebook status to “in a relationship” than you were when you actually started the relationship, you might want to examine your motives. And sometimes holding off on being Facebook official has some nice benefits.
19. Keep going on dates with each other regardless of how long you’ve been together. Dating, engaged, married, doesn’t matter. This one is more for the couples in well established relationships.
• The guy needs to make plans for dates, not just wing it and text her 5 minutes before. Spontaneity has its place, but so does initiative.
20. It’s OK to be a loner! It’s the old cliché, “You need to be happy alone before you can be happy in a relationship.” But it’s true! Being content with the life God has for you is such a refreshing thing. Take a look at the big picture...if you're allowing God to work through you and your life, then your relationship status is irrelevant.

There you have it, the list that two twenty something girls come up with when they stay up talking until 3 in the morning. I hope you enjoyed it. Even though we mixed a lot of humor into the list, it really does represent what we're thinking and feeling about this topic at this point and time in our lives.

We figure we'll turn this list into a best selling book one day, but we'll wait until we've successfully made it down the aisle before we do so. Gotta build up our credibility and all that y'know. ;)